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Below are the 3 most recent journal entries recorded in the "ian" journal:

September 11th, 2006
05:42 pm [Link]	happy 9/11 everyone! play a game of jenga and catch the ticker-tape parade downtown for your country (1 comment \| Leave a comment)
September 4th, 2006
09:49 am [Link]	this is my fucking therapy i need help. i've just been scarred permanently. i'm going to vent it out, and you all are going to read it. i just channel-surfed through monday morning television. here's a breakdown of the fucking natural disasters i just experienced. Channel 2, NBC Local Jerry Lewis MD Telethon The only thing more painful than desperate, awkward "happy-banter" from Dominique Saschse at 9am is a group of kids with muscular dystrophy trying to tell us how fun their camp is. I did that thing where you kind of laugh "Oh no" to yourself and cover your eyes, but i could still see that kid's fuckin' neck twitching when he tried to speak some dialect of English I've never heard. Through the cracks between my fingers I saw one of them die on camera. Dominique made a joke about it "being one of those Mondays!" Next channel. Channel 8, PBS Sesame Street I flipped to PBS, and flipped away fifteen seconds later. During those fifteen seconds, all I heard was some poorly-made sock-puppet screeching at about 20 octaves above a normal voice. It sounded like brakes screeching. Here's the basic transcript of what I heard: clickAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHclick. Next channel. Channel 11, CBS Some Retarded Local Cooking Show Yeah, a local cooking show. Local. And they kept fucking stressing how local this show was. Not that they toured any local restaurants or anything, they just wanted me to know. It was hosted by some camera whore hostess who would make extremely unfunny jokes over vital parts of the recipe. She visited a local kitchen and I managed to catch about eight words from the actual chef, and about five minutes of rollicking humor from Mrs. Seinfeld's voice-over. She didn't even stop the chef, she just inserted her fucking painful humor right over the footage. Chef: "Okay, first you take the potato, which you already should-" Asshole: "HEH, POTATOES HM? WELL I KNOW I'M IRISH, BUT I DON'T REMEMBER EVER EATING THIS POTATO PASTA DISH YOU'RE GOING TO PREPARE! LUCK OF THE IRISH! EHH?!" Chef: "-after you've rolled it into ravioli." Next Channel Channel 13, ABC Live with Regis and That Blonde Chick Don't get me wrong, I love Dikembe Mutombo. For those of you who don't know, Dikembe is a 7'3" basketball player who was born in the Congo, and sounds exactly like Cookie Monster on steriods. Exactly. His shaky grasp of English coupled with his incomprehensible accent and bellowing deep voice ensure that any interview with Regis is going to be a fucking disaster. There is nothing on earth more painful than a host not being able to understand the guest. Actually I take that back, that blonde bitch making Dikembe say "I love you" in four different African dialects is more painful. ACTUALLY I TAKE THAT BACK, that blonde bitch trying on DIKEMBE'S FUCKING SUIT JACKET while Regis wipes Congolese laugh-spittle off his face pretending to shoot freethrows is enough to make me want to kill myself. TV off. (1 comment \| Leave a comment)
August 31st, 2006
02:29 pm [Link]	Next week is my 6 month anniversary at Texas Art Supply. At this point you receive a week of paid vacation and two sick days. I'm also due to receive this Friday off. So basically, on Thursday afternoon I am two hours from getting eight paid holidays and I'm planning on quitting my job. My boss calls me in, gets all serious-like... then fucking fires me. Two hours before I get almost a thousand dollars in vacation. Fires me. He knew I was going to quit, just wanted to save the money. So I call him on this bullshit. Firing me? What for? I didn't have the worst numbers or anything. I told him I was literally hours from quitting and collecting that fat vacation check, and this obvious "coincidence" of firing me three hours early wasn't going to fuckin' fly with management. That asshole knew he was caught. "Alright Ian, I'll go talk to managment. See what I can do." Thirty minutes later I'm walking out of there smiling like a dumbshit, gauranteed vacation money and good referal, as well as a "layed off" status that allows me to collect unemployment. s w e e t. (3 comments \| Leave a comment)

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